Second Chances


Kristen L Baker

            When you have been blessed with such tantalizing and magical passion in your life with another, it is hard to forget or even duplicate with another person. It just doesn’t seem to surface no matter how hard you try. Of course memories and thoughts are built upon emotions and it is the attachment to those emotions that keep that passion alive. In my viewpoint, that is a gift.  Above all, if there is no passion between the sheets, there is a missing link. It does not mean you do not care for the person or do not respect them, it means that it is not whole.

            Should people go through life living less than whole? Should one settle for something that is less than because they feel a duty or a responsibility to others? The answer is no, in this world each and every one of us has one chance in life and there comes a time, no matter how young or old, parents or single, that what one deserves is what they desire, what they dream of. If it can be dreamt, it can be achieved.

            Millions of people worldwide remain in stagnant marriages or relationships because they may feel it is best for the kids or best for their finances or that is what they are supposed to do. This is a misconception on many fronts because if a married couple does not display passion, desire, love and affection for each other in the home where the children are witness to, that is nor better for the kids nor better for the couple. It is a detriment to reality actually. It is teaching lack of affection, lack of passion and lack of togetherness. What is more harmful for the children at any age, seeing parents distant, lacking emotion, affection or is it better to part way for the kids’ sake and have that second chance?

            If you and your spouse are not feeling the tingling sensation to see one another when they walk through the door or not daydreaming about that person or are not wanting the intimacy, it is time for your second chance. It is not fair, right or healthy for the couple or the kids to live a life that is empty. It is not a way to live out your days. The lack does not mean there is no meaning with that person but it just is not enough. If it is not enough for one person, most likely it is not enough for the other.

            Marriage does not mean passion, intimacy, affection, it is not the definition of forever, as much as we all think it is as we embark on that glorious day of vow making. People change, environments change, wants change, desires change and needs change. What you may have needed early on, may not be the same as you need later in life. Coming to terms with this can be hurtful for both parties but are we such a selfish species that we want to deny one another of passion, affection, intimacy, trust, happiness and that feeling of bliss? I think not.

            As a relationship evolves and it starts out with two and then a child and another, if the passion was not there to begin with, needs and wants will change. It is important to accept the fact that is not a personal fault of another that creates this shift or evolution in desire and want in their lives. A fool is one who stays when they are not treasured, lacking passion  for, not given affection and the connection is lost. You would not keep a cell phone if you no longer had a wireless connection, you would look to get an upgraded one to deliver your needs. It is not a great comparison, but the effect is there.

            Picture yourself sitting in your office, the mundane day after day work with nothing to look forward to when you arrive home to your spouse. Going into a separate room, feeling like an outsider, that workday and worse, your off time drags on forever. Then picture yourself at work, having to take a moment because your thoughts are of your spouse or partner and your heartbeat increases, the bodily sensations envelope you and you work faster, more focused because you are wanting to get to that person. You walk through the door and that person is excited to see you, asks you about your day, listens. Really listens and cannot go another second without touching your lips with theirs. The intimacy in that kiss speaks volumes and leaves a lasting impression to carry you through the next work day.

            All too often, as humans we think that this passionate connection can only be found on the big screen, but this is where we are wrong. It is a reality and can be achieved if you release yourself from the confines of stagnation and seek that second chance.  

 

Change

Kristen L Baker


          We hear the word change all the time. I should change my clothes, I have to change my address, I have to change my thinking, change my underwear, climate change…Change, Change, Change. When you think about it, change is happening in one’s life minute by minute. But why is it we often resist change? Why do we fear change? Why do we avoid change? It’s ironic that fear of change is somewhat universal, but we are in constant change mode.

          Of course, the many changes that take place in a day, are not monumental and really have no fear base, i.e., changing our clothes, but the resistance to change when it involves personal change is extremely high. The resistance comes from the fear of the unknown; the anxieties of not being able to visualize what that change will look like. The fear of failure or making the wrong decision are common resistances.

          My name is Kristen and I am a Certified Master Life Coach, Spiritual Coach, Stress Reduction Coach, Anxiety Coach and Certified Holistic Life Coach. I have coached people around the world for ten years. Working with people toward change has been daunting at times, but mostly rewarding. Helping people to make changes to better their lives is what I strive for in my practice.

          Change really comes down to choice. There are phases to change; these are important to recognize, allowing an assessment or evaluation of what is holding you back.

·         Pre-Contemplation- (Not Ready) No Intention of Changing

·         Contemplation- (Getting Ready) looking at the pros and cons of taking action to change

·         Preparation- (Ready) Ready to take action in the near future and begin taking steps

·         Action- This is a verb, doing something to create the change

This model is a barometer of where you are and how close or far from taking action that you are

 It’s important to remember that not all change is by choice or voluntary in nature. The loss of a loved one is an extreme change and one that you have no control over, there is no choice but to change to the new reality. In this case, (if a sudden loss), the fear will come after, and there is no other choice but to adapt to the loss.

Loss of a job is another change that is not always of one’s own choice, and again, the fear develops after the loss. With these two examples, there is no pre-contemplation, it skips to contemplation, preparation and action.

Let’s look at relationships; marriage. Marriage is a union of two people who vowed to love till death do us part. What happens when the love has changed into more of a duty or even a chore or that you are no longer happy or don’t have much in common? Do you stay married because change is too unknown or scary? Too many people do stay in a loveless and unsatisfied marriage to avoid change. Is this the healthy thing to do? Is it selfless or selfish? Does the fear of the unknown or fear of hurting someone outweigh the right to be happy and fulfilled in life? Or is the potential financial change worth living in emptiness?

We are ever changing creatures, not just in physicality, but in emotions, feelings, wants and needs. In a world with so much anxiety, fear, stress and uncertainty, staying in a marriage out of fear of the unknown, fear of hurting kids, family, husband or wife, in a strange way, it is selfish and selfless at the same time. Selfish in a way that if two people are not happy together and are not displaying love and affection to each other, that is not a role model if there are kids involved. It may seem easier to stay in the marriage for the kids, but what is that teaching them when they see distance and unhappiness? It is teaching them that love is not the greatest thing and that this is how it supposed to be. This is wrong. Love is the greatest thing of all. Without love, there is loneliness, emptiness, lack of purpose and so on.

Staying in a marriage that is no longer fulfilling, connected, passionate and loving for the sake of kids can also be selfless; putting others needs or happiness or minimizing change for the family unit before your own, but this is where selflessness can turn into unhealthiness in mind and body. The stress of falsely mimicking a healthy marriage, yet feeling so unhappy is a confliction that can wreak havoc on your entire self. Avoiding termination of a relationship that has changed over time due to fear of the unknown or protecting others, will undoubtedly not produce happiness for all parties involved.

The selfishness can be that one partner has changed feelings toward their spouse, but they stay because they don’t want to lose money, move or other reasons. It becomes more selfish, because there is an absence of setting the spouse free to find happiness. Also, that change may seem harder than being happy is worth to them.

Not all change is good, but if you are participating in unhealthy habits, like drinking, overeating, drugs or smoking, these changes are incredible and will afford a life full of opportunities, love, happiness and self-worth. If someone changes to “fit in,” this is not a good change.

In the grand scheme of things in life, what is most important is love, happiness, honesty, respect and being true to oneself. Change is inevitable and it is present in every day of our lives. Now, more than ever with the world we live in, with so much violence, stress, disease and hate, change is even more important if you are living a life without happiness, love and inner peace.

Change can be challenging, disruptive, uncertain, but it can also be amazing, exhilarating, healthy, both in mind and body and it could very well be the best thing one has ever done in their life.

If you follow the stages of change, pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparing and action, the change may not be so fearful. As a coach, I am a huge advocate for writing things out. Making lists of pros and cons when in contemplation stage, and a list of what you want to achieve, what the positives will be by the change will help alleviate the fear of change.

If you are not happy, change is in order. A change may be just what you need.